TALKING ABOUT CORONAVIRUS
Some children won’t be anxious by Coronavirus and others will be anxious. If your child is under six and is not anxious or aware of Coronavirus, talking about this may cause unnecessary anxiety, so some psychologists suggest you may not want to bring this issue up.
If your child is 6 and above:
START THE CONVERSATION
Pretty much everybody is talking about Coronavirus. It’s on the news, social media, talked about in homes and school, so, your school aged children have heard about it. Don’t wait for your children to come to you, go to them and start the conversation. Children are better able to work through things if you give them immediate and true information (age appropriate) about what is going on.
You know your child best. You know what makes them tick.
If you have more than one child, you will probably find what each child needs from you at this time differs. For example, one of your children may benefit from hearing more information from you and may ask lots of questions. Another of your children may prefer less information and have little to no questions.
Note: the younger your child is (e.g. preschool and primary school age), the less updates he or she will need because it can overwhelm them.
FIRST: FIND OUT WHAT YOUR CHILD KNOWS
By asking questions you can find out what your child knows, and you won’t be giving them extra information he or she does not need. It is important to give information that is simple and useful. Take cues from your child, listen to what he or she says and respond to it, this helps you give information age appropriately. As psychologist Michael Gregg Carr said, “find out what [your child] knows, figure out what they need to feel safe, focus on what they can control.” Remember give honest, simple and useful information.
Here are some questions you can ask your child to get the conversation started:
There’s been a lot of talk about the Coronavirus, what have you heard about it?
What do you think about it?
How does it make you feel?
Do you have any questions?
SECOND: KEEP INFORMATION SIMPLE AND USEFUL
As parents, you are the primary influencers for how your children will understand this experience. You are the filter of how they see this; what you say matters. Remember, your child also watches what you do – your child will pick up on how you respond. It helps your child, if you are calm and in control (if you are anxious, take some time out, call a friend, family member, pray, do something that helps you recuperate etc). Be aware of any anxiety in yourself regarding this issue, your aim is to speak calmly, offer clarity and correct any misinformation. What your child needs is clarity and reassurance (but you first have to know what they are thinking and feeling before you can reassure them). In addition to keeping the information simple and useful, keep the conversation positive and productive and don’t overload your child with all the news updates.
Psychologist Michael Gregg Carr states the 6 main points to make are:
1. Reassure your child this is a virus not the plague, the fact is that most people only get a mild illness and fully recover within a few weeks
2. Remind them that children very rarely get sick and when they do it is usually just like a cold.
3. Describe what the main symptoms are and encourage them to let you know if they feel unwell.
4. Reassure them that their pets are not affected.
5. Tell them that we all have to change our behaviours, wash our hands more, practice not touching our face as much, learn coughing etiquette, and a foot tap instead of handshake.
6. Let them know about all the scientists across the world who are working together to find vaccines and treatments. If they are concerned about grandparents or others, validate this as a sign of how caring and loving they are and focus on positive messages about the medical care (doctors, nurses, scientists) and support available.
TERMINOLOGY:
“You can say the word ‘virus,’ but don’t forget to talk to them about their immune systems,” Romirowsky said. “You can say that our bodies have superheroes inside of them to fight the bad guys. People who are really, really old, have fewer superheroes inside of them and they need all of us to protect them. So that’s why we’re trying to be careful, to help them.”
“If you are talking to your young child about the virus, you can say something like, “There’s lots of different viruses, like when your tummy hurts, or sometimes when you have a bad cold. Coronavirus is another type of virus,” Dr. Poltorak said. Depending on how old your child is and how much they know, you might also say something like, “This illness is different than a cold because it’s new, but people are trying really hard to make sure it doesn’t spread, and they treat people who are sick. If you ever have questions, talk to me,” Dr. Heard-Garris said. You can also say, “Scientists and really smart people all around the world are trying to figure out how to keep people safe and healthy.”
DON’T DISMISS YOUR CHILD’S EMOTIONS –
We can’t avoid what is going on, and if you try to ‘protect’ your child by saying, “don’t feel worried…or don’t feel bad”…it actually can have the opposite effect. When a parent minimizes the impact of what a child is going through, a child can often feel misunderstood, confused and/or reluctant to talk about his/her feelings. And this shuts down their feelings burying them for later. Additionally, you don’t want your child living with any unspoken fears. Rather than saying don’t worry, encourage your child to share how he or she is feeling. When you know how the extent of your child’s feelings, especially any fear, you are better able to help them overcome any distortions they may have. Help your child work through his or her feelings, e.g. you may need to help him or her identify and express the feelings he or she is experiencing. Give uninterrupted time to your child and really listen to his or her concerns. Validate what your child is thinking and feeling. When you know the extent of your child’s knowledge of Coronavirus, you can correct any misinformation, and walk them through simple, useful information.
Don’t disapprove of your child’s emotions – use them as teachable moments.
For example, anger is a secondary emotion (we feel something else before we feel anger); it could be hurt, frustration, or fear. And then you want to find the source (or the cause of the hurt, frustration or fear). We often don’t realise (or want to admit) that there is another emotion going on other than anger. Anger is easily identified, but what caused it not so easy to identify.
YOU CAN USE THE FOLLOWING TO HELP:
“It sounds like something is bothering you…I’m wondering if as well as being angry, you might be feeling hurt or maybe afraid. Can you tell me about how you are feeling, I’d like to hear about it?”
Anger is a sign something is going on inside your child. Anger is a warning sign, to help you realise something is not right so you can work out what’s going on and deal with it, e.g. is it thoughts that are not healthy? Is it an attitude that is not helpful for your child?
Listen to your child, help them express themselves, give a name to the emotion they are feeling, give guidance where necessary, set limits (if necessary) and teach acceptable expressions.
How children are feeling also comes out in their behaviour, so look out for any changes in behaviour. As adults, although we haven’t been through this before, we have been through difficult times and can rely on strategies and things we’ve learnt. In a nutshell, we know we can get through. But many children usually do not have the mental or verbal ability or the life experiences to draw upon. They may not know that the Coronavirus will be resolved. A child’s brain and emotions is not yet developed like an adult brain, and a child processes information and events differently. Adults can fall back on resources, routines, what they know, etc, but it’s not the same for a child and as a result your child can feel helpless and overwhelmed. Be aware your child may be anxious, upset, frustrated or angry, this is due to what is going on. Be patient and compassionate, and help them through. Stick to normal routines as much as possible (whilst still abiding by the Government’s rulings). Normal routines and boundaries help your child feel secure. If your child is having trouble sleeping, help him/her learn Proverbs 3:24, 26: “You will not be afraid when you go to bed and you will sleep soundly through the night…The Lord will keep you safe.”
Make room for questions – you don’t have to know all the answers (no one does on this). If you don’t know the answer, don’t try to cover it up, tell your child you don’t know. If it is something they need to know, and you don’t know, it is fine to let your child know you will look into it, and get back to them. Tell them we can learn new things everyday (God created the brain to do that, it’s so amazing)!
Let your child know God is in control, the virus is not bigger or stronger than God! Let your child know that you can pray and ask for God’s protection – read scriptures, e.g. Psalm 91 and unpack it (what it means, what we can learn from it and how it can help us at this time).
Remind your child of the things that are in our control (helps address helplessness), e.g. social distancing, hand washing etc. Get your child involved, empower them to make healthy choices with you, e.g. we have to wash our hands for 20 seconds and to help us, we sing happy birthday twice!
Follow up – have regular check ins to see how they are going (be aware of your child’s behaviour, emotions, what he or she is saying, look for any changes in any area – assess what is going on in his or her life). See if your child needs reassurance or if he or she has any more questions. And let your child know that you will give him or her an update as you learn more.
REMEMBER:
Children need to be told the truth in a way they can understand (see previous sections). Don’t give your child more than they can cope with; remind your child that there are kid’s jobs (wash hands), and parent’s jobs (keep children safe – let them know this is the parents job, it’s an adult thing, not a kid thing). Remember, Children are better able to work through things if you give them immediate and true information (age appropriate) about what is going on.
IMPORTANT TIPS:
Don’t have adult conversations about Coronavirus in earshot of your children (and in the next room with the door open doesn’t count – children are very clever at listening in)! Children are smart and like sponges they absorb so much data/information, even if you think they are busy playing with their toys –they are still listening and gathering information. Remember, there are kid problems and adult problems and children’s brains have not matured, so we do not want to give them beyond what they can cope with.
Don’t have the news on all the time, and don’t put the news on when your little ones are around, it is not helpful for them.
IF YOUR CHILD IS FINDING IT DIFFICULT TO TALK:
To help children talk about intense, emotional things, sometimes we need to use other strategies to help them talk:
Involve your child in play (e.g. Lego, their favourite toys)
Draw
Paint
Play dough
Puzzle play, etc.
You might find one of the following strategies helpful:
Ask your child to draw how they are feeling and then talk about it (gives your child an opportunity to look at his/her feelings, can help give a sense of understanding and control)
Use puppets/toys to talk about their fears
If your child is crying, after comforting him/her, you could ask, “if your tears were words, what would they say about how you are feeling?”
Information sourced from the following resources: How to talk to your kids about Coronavirus: NY Times How to talk to your kids about Coronavirus: The Washington Post http://michaelcarrgregg.com/what-to-say-to-kids-about-covid19 Wright, H.N. It’s Okay to Cry Wright, H.N. Ministering to Children at a Time of Loss, Crisis or Trauma, p.336.