Welcome, today we are putting trust in our tool belt!
Trust (“the most fragile of all the components”) includes: “confidence in loyalty, honesty, faithfulness, reliability, courage, and consistency.” Trust takes time to develop and if broken, it takes a long time for it to be restored.”
It’s Demo day!
BUILD: Trust
DEMOLISH: Unhealthy controlling behaviour
Control does not have a place in a healthy adult relationship, hence the use of the word unhealthy.
But healthy control has its place, e.g. parents with young children (children need guidance, protection, etc…). As children grow, they are given age appropriate responsibility and given increasing amounts of self control (this is complex – it can be tricky getting the balance right). When a child is given control to make a decision, he/she begins to learn control doesn’t come alone, his/her choices and actions have consequences.
God made us for healthy relationships
God made us to choose how we act
God made us to take responsibility for our choices and actions.
We often struggle with entrusting God with things. We often put our trust in ourselves, instead of in God – who is completely trustworthy.
We try to keep things in our hands and ‘control’ what’s happening. But the truth is, we aren’t in control, it’s just an illusion. This time of lockdown definitely illustrates this fact. Even though we often struggle to trust God (a result of the Fall), on the other hand, we often find it easier to trust others, even those we shouldn’t put our trust in.
Hit the pause button for a moment and look back over your life so far, the good times, the tough times and the everyday times. Spurgeon states, “Do not forget what your God has done for you. Turn over the book of your remembrance and consider the days of old. Have you ever been helped in time of need? I know you have. Go back to the choice mercies of yesterday. Although today’s circumstances look dark, light up the lamps of the past. They will glitter through the darkness, and you will trust in the Lord until day breaks and the shadows flee away.”
Stay connected to God:
• Prayerfully read and meditate upon scriptures on trusting God, here’s a couple to get you started:
Jeremiah 17:7-8: [Most] blessed is the man who believes in, trusts in, and relies on the Lord, and whose hope and confidence the Lord is. For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters that spreads out its roots by the river; and it shall not see and fear when heat comes; but its leaf shall be green. It shall not be anxious and full of care in the year of drought, nor shall it cease yielding fruit.
Isaiah 26 3-4: You will guard him and keep him in perfect and constant peace whose mind [both it‘s inclination and it’s character] is stayed on You, because he commits himself to You, leans on You, and hopes confidently in You.4 So trust in the Lord (commit yourself to Him, lean on Him, hope confidently in Him) forever; for the Lord God is an everlasting Rock [the Rock of Ages].
• Ask God to show you His ways and lead you in His truth (ask for a greater revelation of who He is). And dear one, if you are finding it hard to trust God in something, share with God how you feel and ask for His help…. because “the same God who created life in you can be trusted with the details of your life” (D. Sheets)
• Ask God for a greater revelation of His care for you. Release your cares to Him, trusting He will take care of you, your family, etc. (1 Peter 5:7).
Stay connected to others:
• Ask God for His strength, wisdom, insight, patience, peace, understanding, and compassion as you demolish unhealthy control and build God’s definition of trust in your life and relationships.
• If there are trust issues in any of your relationships, God cares dear one, bring it before God. Ask God for His wisdom. Ask God for His healing work in your life and relationships.
• Dear one, if you are praying and asking God for friends and/or a partner, as you pray, trust God to bring trustworthy people into your life who will love you. Stay plugged into God!
• If you are married, pray God would be the centre of your marriage and your home. Stay plugged into God! Pray that God would lead you in His ways, with His truth and love.
• Pray your home will be filled with the Presence of God.
• Thank God for your “trust strengths” (as you continue to work to keep them strong).
• Thank God for the people in your world and their “trust strengths”.
• Thank God for the resources you have (e.g. His word) and the work of God (in your life and relationships) that will enable you to continue to build strong, healthy, satisfying, growing relationships with the people in your world.
• Pray God will help you (and your loved ones) grow in the areas of trust that are out of balance in your life (and their lives) and out of balance in your relationships. Pray God will show you (and your loved ones), which elements/characteristics of trust need nurturing and growth.
• Thank God for what He is going to do in your life and in your relationships!
Renovation process step one: DESIGN
God created us as beings with a spirit, soul and body (1 Thess. 5:23). God made us for relationship with Him. He created us, not to live independently from Him, but to be dependant on Him. Let’s go back to Adam and Eve. “In his spirit Adam had God’s life and breath. In his soul he had God’s word which brought knowledge of God and an ability to comprehend and walk according to truth.” The human race inherited sin from Adam and Eve; all humans became sinners by nature. “Humans became sinners not because they sinned; they sinned because they were sinners.”
What occurred at the Fall was the desire to be independent of God. The essence of sin is not the desire to do evil – it is the desire to be independent of God.“There is something in every fallen child of Adam that does not want to depend on God.” The one root cause of all human problems is rebellion against God.
The consequences to spirit, soul and body as a result of the Fall:
• Man’s spirit was cut off from God (now mankind is governed by the soul not the spirit)
• The soul (includes: mind– I think, emotions– I feel & will – I want) is the point of attack (man’s soul is infected with rebellion. Temptation is not only from without, but within us – James 1:14)
• The body – fallen man is subject to corruption, decay, sickness and ultimately (and inevitably) physical death.
When we realise what was lost at the Fall, we can understand Christ came to restore what was lost. Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life!! “In God’s love, His Son, who embodied every facet of Himself” came to redeem us. Can you see your value to God? God established a love relationship, which He has never been willing to cancel.
In a single sovereign act, God brought together all the guilt and suffering of humanity in one concluding moment in time! It…is….finished! It is a complete work; it is done!
The provisions, or blessings given to us in God through what Jesus accomplished on the Cross are great in number, e.g. spiritual, eternal, physical and blessings for our lives on earth. The Bible describes everything given to us through the Cross using the all-inclusive word, ‘salvation’. God’s solution covers everything. When Jesus bought us with His precious blood, He didn’t buy part of us – it was a complete work – He bought every part of us – spirit, soul (mind, will and emotions) and body! “He gave Himself totally, that He might redeem us totally.”
When we are restored to God’s image, here are some of the provisions we have:
• Spiritual identity (restoration to the Pre-Fallen created state)
• Turn from self-centredness, to Christ-centredness and others-centredness
• Restored communion with God
• Restored relationships
• Restored communication on a deep level
• Anxiety, guilt, shame, being dealt with
• Restored blessing
• Restored rest
• Restored destiny and calling
In the Pre-Fallen state, Adam and Eve depended on God.With the Fall came a desire for independence from God. It is because of this desire for independence, we try and control things; keep things in our hands. In salvation, God restores us to the Pre-Fallen state in which Adam was created. God’s design is for us to fully trust in Him,to depend on Him, not rely on our insight or understanding.
Proverbs 3:5-6: “Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding. In all your ways know, recognise, and acknowledge Him, and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths.”
This is God’s original design:
• He created us to have a relationship with Him (and others)
• He designed us to trust Him with all of our hearts and minds.
Trust can be defined in many ways, but the deepest level of trust is heart trust. It’s the ultimate in emotional security, when you can say, “I trust you with my heart.” Dear one, do you have a heart or a head relationship with God? He wants you not to know about Him, but to know Him.
Did you notice in Proverbs 3:5, it says trust with your heart and mind? Doctors and scientists talk about a brain-heart connection. I love how God tells us things in His word, and then later, the medical and science fields, ‘discover’ what God has already said. Neuroscientists have discovered “the heart is more than a mere biological pump… Abundant nerve cells [discovered in the heart] give it a thinking, feeling capacity,” and your heart and brain communicate with each other! Researchers discovered, ‘even though the brain sends information to the heart through the nervous system, the heart doesn’t automatically obey. While other organs were aroused by the brain’s message, the heart at times, slowed down, as if ‘considering’ the information it had received and other times it would speed up in response to the brain’s message.’ That is so amazing, your brain and heart have conversation!! They have a give and take relationship, sometimes the heart will submit to the brain, and sometimes the brain submits to the heart.
“The ultimate ‘real you’ is a composite of what your heart tells your brain, your brain tells your heart, and your will decides to believe, say and do.” We often struggle to leave a concern with God because our eyes are on the situation and our emotions, not God. We are to put our eyes on God. Proverbs 3:5, states we are to have complete trust in God – the deepest level of trust where the ultimate ‘real you’ (heart and mind) trusts God. This means we release our concerns, fears, etc. to God. We release trying to keep things in our hands and in our ‘control.’ We commit (a definite act of the will) to trusting God. “The more you trust God, the more trustworthy you find He is.” Seeds of trust are sown through experience. Look back over your life and see God’s faithfulness to you. Trusting God with heart trust is about knowing whatever you go through, God loves you and cares for you!
Renovation process step two: PLAN
We are now going to look at what trust looks like when it is mapped out for action (plan), and then we can put it into action (construct).
We learn in the Bible, the heart of the matter is the matter of the heart. It always comes back to the heart. What’s in our hearts will come out and it impacts every area of our lives. Proverbs 16:2 says, “All the ways of a man are pure in his own eyes, but the Lord weighs the spirits (the thoughts and intents of the heart).”
God designed us to trust Him with our hearts – the deepest level of trust.
God instructs us to trust Him and not lean on our insight or understanding. Why? It says in Proverbs 23:7, “For as he thinks in his heart, so is he.” “Our intellect and emotions process current events according to what we believe, regardless of the beliefs’ validity… What we believe to be true in our subconscious controls us and shapes who we are whether it is true or not. We are not controlled by truth – we are controlled by what we believe to be true.” In other words, just because we believe something doesn’t make it true. So how do we find what is true? We go to God’s word and we receive God’s word in our lives (and we interpret scripture with scripture – God’s word can’t mean anything other than what He intended).
Proverbs 4:20-23, says:
“My son, pay attention to what I say;
turn your ear to my words.
Do not let them out of your sight,
keep them within your heart;
for they are life to those who find them
and health to one’s whole body.
Above all else, guard your heart,
for everything you do flows from it.”
Let’s unpack the outworking of trusting God a little more(the following is from H.Norman Wright):
“In addition to telling us not to fret, Psalm 37 gives us positive substitutes for worry:
First it says, ‘Trust (lean on, rely on, and be confident) in the Lord (verse 3, AMP). Trust is a matter of not attempting to live an independent life or to cope with difficulties alone. It means going to a greater source for strength. We are not to live independently from God, but be dependent on Him. We are to go to the Ultimate Source for strength – God!
Second, verse 4 says, “Delight yourself also in the Lord.” To delight means to rejoice in God and what He has done for us. Let God supply the joy of your life.
Third, verse 5 says, ‘Commit your way to the Lord [roll and repose each care of your load on Him]”. Commitment is a definite act of the will, and it involves releasing your worries and anxieties to the Lord.
And fourth, we are to ‘rest in the Lord; wait for Him’ (verse 7). This means to submit to what He ordains and be ready and expectant for what He is going to do in your life.
Have you ever considered the question, ‘Why did God put so many ‘fear nots’ in the Bible when He knows we tend to be fearful creatures? God’s ‘fear nots’ are just another way He has provided for you. God doesn’t want your life to be a chore. Fear makes it that. God doesn’t want you to be driven by fear but by hope. And He gives you the hope you need when He says, “Fear not.”
Renovation process step three: CONSTRUCT
Some people find it easier than others to trust. But know this, dear one, trust is a voluntary response, you can’t be forced to trust someone and you can’t force someone to trust you. Just because someone says, “trust me”, doesn’t mean you should trust him/her. Did you ever see Disney’s ‘Jungle Book’? The python Kaa tells Mowgli to trust him and then tries to eat Mowgli! Lesson learnt (and not just about trusting talking cartoon snakes)!
There is a risk connected to trust, the person you place your trust in could disappoint you or hurt you. But to have significant meaningful relationships, whether it is a friendship or marriage – it means sharing ourselves, e.g. heart, hurts, dreams, thoughts, feelings, etc. We choose to allow ourselves to be vulnerable. If the thought of risk, of being vulnerable, scares you a little (or a lot), because you think, ‘what if I get hurt?’ Know this dear one, if we were to do a risk assessment of a toxic, unsafe unhealthy relationship vs. a healthy relationship, the results are not the same – the risk factors of an unhealthy relationship are off the chart. God made you for healthy relationships, not for unhealthy relationships. And trust is essential in a healthy relationship. “Trust is a key ingredient when it comes to safety, openness, and intimacy in all relationships.”
We need God in our relationships! When God steps on the scene realities change, He restores and He gives life and that life more abundantly! Remember the message Pastor Paul shared on 24th of May 2020:
• First: God spoke
• Then, because God spoke into Gideon’s situation –Gideon got up. He arose from being under the circumstances – because of a work of God!
• Gideon then put his house in order (e.g. for us in healthy relationships: read God’s word, pray and seek His direction [also use this series as a resource (a starter), and put what you have learnt into action]).
• Lastly, Gideon went to battle (for us, this is spiritual warfare- the wicked one wants to break up marriages, families, friends, etc. Dear one, align yourself with God and His word as you pray. There is victory in Jesus. We fight from a place of victory; we do not fight for victory).
God spoke a prophetic word to Gideon, “arise…” God’s prophetic word called Gideon out of a place of defeat (of adjusting his life to accommodate the enemy’s oppression). God’s word, which is true, living and powerful brought Gideon into a new reality, God’s reality! God can do the same for you dear one!
For the readers who are married, pray for your marriage. And, if you need a work of God in your marriage, ask God for His divine intervention in your marriage, in your life and your partner’s life! For the readers who are looking for a partner, pray and ask God to lead and direct you to the one He has for you. Trust Him dear one, He knows you better than you know yourself – He designed you. He knows better than you what you need – His best is better than your best. Read what God says on relationships, and know dear one, God says what He says, not to stop you having fun or missing out, but it’s for your protection. In the meantime, grow your relationship with God – He loves you and He wants all of you.
Trustworthiness is recognising the value of someone and acting in a way, which shows you value the individual. When we treat someone in a way that shows we recognise both their incredible value and their vulnerability, we demonstrate our trustworthiness.” We are to be trustworthy with others and also ourselves.
All relationships involve choice. If someone acts in ways that are untrustworthy towards you, you can choose “to act in a way that is trustworthy to yourself, that safeguards your own value in view of your own vulnerability.” To safeguard ourselves, we have to see our value and recognise our vulnerability. You may choose to be trustworthy to yourself for example, by drawing a line and saying, “Hey, I’m safeguarding that part of me because I can’t trust you with it right now….But I need you to know that the next time I let you in, and every single time thereafter, I’ll be requiring the same thing: that you show me, through word and deed, that you understand how valuable and vulnerable I am and that you act accordingly…But when you forget, I need you to know I will protect myself.” It’s about having a healthy view of yourself, so that when others try to push you into things, e.g. going against something you believe in, you can safeguard yourself, so you (or your character) are not damaged in any way.
When people feel safe, they don’t need to build walls of protection. When people feel safe, they naturally open up, and connection happens – it is not forced. We are to create safe environments. To help you have a healthy view of yourself, so you can create a safe environment, read scripture and see how God sees you – you are valuable dear one!
Let’s take a closer look at trust including a number of different types of trust in healthy relationships. We won’t be covering how to rebuild trust, but as this is a series on building healthy relationships, if you and your partner need marriage counselling, dear one, I encourage you to take this step! No wound is deeper than God’s healing!
Dr H. Norman Wright expresses trust is an attitude, which has three parts: 1) Believe
2) Emotional response
3) Behaviour
The first part to trusting is you believe (in your mind) the person is trustworthy.
Seeds of trust are sown through experience – when you see what someone does and as you know him/her! We usually know whether we should place our trust in someone. But if you find it hard to know who is trustworthy or not, ask God to give you His wisdom to know whether you should trust someone or not.
Q: Can you think of people in your life you believe are trustworthy?
Who are they?
Why do you believe they are trustworthy?
Secondly, there is an emotional response in trust. You feel confident – yes I can trust that person; you feel assured within yourself, it is safe to trust him/her.
Lastly, you act on your belief and emotional response, and your behaviour shows the outworking of your trust by what you do. When someone needs help from a lifesaver or rescue worker, when the rescuer says, ‘give me your hand.’ The reaching out of the hand is the behaviour demonstrating, ‘yes, I trust you’.
Trust in relationships says:
• I have confidence in you
• I will be here for you
• You can depend on me for little and large things
• I will be consistent, not changeable or impulsive
• You can depend on me to speak the truth
Q: If you are in a relationship, to what degree is your partner trustworthy?
Now, put the spotlight on yourself – are you trustworthy?
There are many ways to describe and define trust. We are going to take a little look at four types of trust, as detailed by Drs. Archibald Hart and Sharon Hart Morris. The four types of trust are looked at through the lens of marriage, but can be adapted where necessary for other close relationships:
• Truthfulness Trust: your partner can be relied upon to always tell you the truth
• Judgement Trust: your partner can be relied upon to make good judgement calls.
• Reliability Trust: you know for certain your partner will be dependable, respectful, responsible and reliable. You know your partner will keep his/her word to you. In a marriage, you should be able to trust your partner with your money, body, future, possessions, dreams, goals and secrets. Reliability trust is built over time through experience. For example, when your partner promises he/she will do something and follows through on the promise, it sows a seed of trust. But, if your partner promises something and fails to follow through, it sows a seed of mistrust. When mistrust exists in a marriage, partners begin to question each other (“Where were you?” “What did you do?”). These questions could be concerning faithfulness in marriage, money, business dealings, decision making, use of time, etc. When mistrust occurs in a marriage, a pattern of distance is created where partners emotionally pull back from each other and become very self-protective.
Heart Trust is having complete trust and confidenceyour partner will value you and act in loving and caring ways, no matter what the future holds. Despite disagreements, despite difficult times, you know your partner has your well being in mind and wants the best for the relationship (good intentions for the marriage and for you). The ultimate in emotional security is when you can say, “I trust you with my heart.”
Research has found heart trust is a predictor of how well a couple will do in marriage counselling. Heart trust says: no matter what we go through, I know you will be loving and caring to me and I will be loving and caring to you. When couples don’t have faith in each other to be loving and caring, they find rebuilding their marriage more difficult (but remember dear one, God is a God of the impossible)! When partners don’t trust each other, they are less likely to ask for and give support, they share less of themselves, e.g. vulnerabilities, needs, hurts, etc. With mistrust comes a pattern of criticism, the couple tries to force each other to change, they read negative intentions into what is said and done, which leads to defensive behaviour and self protection. It is these habits that keep couples emotionally disconnected. But know this dear one, no wound is greater than God’s ability to heal and restore! No wound is deeper than God’s healing!
To recap:
• We often struggle to leave a concern with God because our eyes are on the situation and our emotions, not God. We are to put our eyes on God. Trusting God with heart trust is about knowing whatever you go through, God loves you and cares for you! To build trust in God with your heart and mind (Prov. 3:5-6) read scriptures, pray, and grow your relationship with Him. Seeds of trust are sown through experience. Look back over your life and see God’s faithfulness to you – these are the seeds of trust. God is trustworthy!
• Trusting others: trust can’t be forced. You have to believe that a person is trustworthy before you can trust him/her. Trust is built over time and through experience. Look for seeds of trust to see whether you should trust someone (this is for general life).
• We are supposed to be able to trust people that are close to us (e.g. friends, family, dating/engaged/marriage). But dear one, if there are trust issues in any of your relationships, seek God for His wisdom (remember, what He says will always agree with His word).
• Trust God to intervene in your relationships where you need it, e.g. marriage, children, family, friends. Trust God (and not just related to relationships, but in everything)! Bless ya dear one! All the best as you continue on the journey as you use trust to help you build strong healthy relationships!
See you next time, for the next tool in our toolbox, R-E-S-P-E-C-T!